Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Hope everyone is fine around the world and safe wherever you may be...take care.. i am getting ready to go camping with the kids, i am pretty sure Santa is on his vacation right now and hopefully relaxing...
Monday, March 9, 2009
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
January 1 - Write out meaningful resolutions on wall of new jail cell in decorative calligraphy in a crisp, cotton orange prisoner jumpsuit. At least the new year will start off with a bright splash of color.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve this year will be at home. Much of the holidays is timing; "Who goes where on what day"?
My computer is by a large window, and it's warm, cozy, and calm. Very quiet! Outside the sun is setting over a frozen cap of snow on the neighbors roof, as the holiday lights flash with ever gaining intensity. My tree is glowing around the corner, and yes ... there are still tings to wrap!
I look at the snow globe above, and envision what is going on in the house, much as I wonder what great things may come to be as presents are opened, and smiles are exchanged. My idea is to return here to this post after the greatest of all days is over to reflect on all events that transpired, and to elaborate on the NEW memories I will carry with me for the rest of my days. I know they will be cherished.
Won't you return here as well, and give your own stories from Christmas 2008? It could be the day after celebrating, or even months down the road. Please leave a comment with your own thoughts and memories, so we call all share them here together.
May your holiday be safe, happy, and full of love.
Monday, December 8, 2008
l. Do not call Santa's helpers elves. Such references are considered rude and ill-mannered ever since Mr. Claus was accused of exploiting the height impaired.
2. Do not call it X-mas. Members of the gene pool became irate that there was no Y-mas.
3. If you are a female, do not expect to sit on Santa's lap. He's just finished depositions in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Said Santa with a tear in his eye, "I only asked her to sit on my knee and tell me what she wanted for Christmas."
4. Christmas Eve is out. The term "Eve" carries an overwhelming gender connotation that might be disturbing to some. From now on it's just the night before Christmas, please.
5. The night before Christmas might have to be moved to a different date anyway. Animal rights protesters want the reindeer to have the night off. And Christmas Day. And aren't reindeer on the endangered species list?
6. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" has got to go.
7. And who named Bethlehem anyway? Beth?
8. Do not, under any circumstances, give dolls as gifts this year. They suggest a male-oriented fantasy that little girls could never up to grow into.
9. And avoid giving fruitcakes. They are clogging our landfills and you might get the Environmental Protection Agency after you.
10. Do not hang mistletoe. Unless you live alone.
11. Do not take your loved one to see any version of A Christmas Carol. The Department of Children and Family Services is said to be investigating how Tiny Tim ended up in such dire circumstances. Scrooge is also reportedly under investigation for money-laundering.